I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Drunk is a universal language darling
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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