I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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