party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My breasts were aching with rage.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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