So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
