Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
