Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
