so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
