Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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