forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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