Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
