I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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