Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
