eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
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