Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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