i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
