Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I looked at my own cervix.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
