I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Randomize
