it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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