I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
