i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm like, not good at living.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
