Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
