does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
