do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dicks are not precious.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
