Screwed.edu
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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