The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
