i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Text me some of your sweat
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
