how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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