He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
