he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i think my cat just said my name.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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