I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
