winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
