I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You work out of a Hotel?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
