please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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