not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
