I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
