Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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