Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Betty ford says i'm here all night
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
