So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My life is pants optional.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
