The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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