Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
