I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize