The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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