If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Randomize