I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
