The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
