She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
