You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize