Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
