my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
