She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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