Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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