this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
