i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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