why didn't you poke me back
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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