I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
