Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
