you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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