So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
