my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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