I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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