East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
